These Lions won't change their stripes either

There’s the National Football League. And then there’s the Detroit Lions.

Few understand what drives an organization toward such consistent and unwavering failure. The Lion's historic 0-16 record last year was anything but a fluke. In fact, they’ve been working toward that mark for as long as I’ve been around.

It’s a commitment that extends beyond “that piece-of-BLEEP quarterback”. Although it's hard to top Dan Orlowsky scrambling out of his own end zone--literally--then staring in disbelief at the whistling referee, as if about to contest his indisputable misjudgement.

It goes deeper than “that BLEEP-ing BLEEP-hole coach”. Despite the fact that no Lion head coach in my lifetime has ever been hired as head coach of another NFL team. Or that the one future Hall of Famer in their midst had to bolt to Miami for a head coaching opportunity (and the chance to coach a Super Bowl team, which Don Shula did five times, winning two Super Bowls). Ironically Shula's 1972 Dolphin team is the last to finish with a perfect winning record.)

We can’t even stop at “that stupid BLEEPER-BLEEPER Millen”. Though it bears mention (and once-over with bright fluorescent highlighter) that the man brought on to “fix” a 9-7 team started his regime with 12 straight losses and ended as guiding force behind the 16-beatdown season that set the NFL all-time record for futility.

It begins and ends with Chairman-Of-Board William Clay Ford, otherwise known as "that BLEEP of a BLEEP owner" or more succinctly, "the head BLEEP." A man incapable of succeeding as an executive in his grandfather's automotive corporation, yet deemed competent enough to take ownership of Detroit's professional football franchise in 1960.

When Ford inherited the role of team president in 1959 the Lions were the team of the decade, with NFL titles in 1952, 1953 and 1957 and five championship game apperances. But one man was about to change all that.

WTF, WCF?

In a year’s time he peddled star quarterback Bobby Layne—the pre-Joe Montana Joe Montana—for a guy by the name of Milt Plum. A year after taking sole ownership of the club in 1964, he terminated the services of coach George Wilson--the man who led the Lions to their last league title. The NFL's most successful team of the 1950s would go the entire decade of the 1960s without a single playoff appearance. Not till the AFC-NFC structure was formed and wildcard teams were added to the playoff format in 1970 did the Lions even reach a postseason game. And even then they found a way to embarrass themselves, losing at Dallas 5-0 in the NFL's first playoff game without a touchdown.

But the most visible imprint of the Ford regime, appropriately enough, would be cosmetic. Stripes were added to the helmets, shirt sleeves and pants of the uniforms during the first year of his ownership. A symbolic move to be sure, but one that follows the team's misfortunes to this very day.

So when the owner's son, Bill Ford Jr., "unveiled" their new exciting uniforms for the upcoming season--at a suburban sporting goods store, conveniently enough--was anyone surprised to see those stripes still prominently in place? The scarlet letters of mediocrity no one dared remove, lest they face the fate of the kings royal guillotine themselves. As long as the Lovable Loser is calling the shots, the team will carry his monogram.

It's not exactly like people need a program to spot the ineptitude of this franchise. Ford has hired 14 coaches since replacing Wilson with Harry Gilmer in 1965, a turnover rate of roughly 3 1/2 years. Only two of those 14 left with a winning record--linebacker-turned-Hall-Of-Famer-turned-head-coach Joe Schmidt, the most successful Lions coach I have known (which, being that he resigned 37 years ago, speaks volumes) and Gary Moeller, who walked the sidelines a mere seven games. Even the winningest coach in team history, Wayne Fontes, left with a sub-par 67-71 record. The franchise has had seven head coaches since 2000. By comparason, the Pittsburgh Steelers have had three head coaches since 1969.

Mr. Ford is also proud caretaker of first NFL team to make the playoffs despite having a losing record. He un-retired Schmidt's #56 jersey--and gave it to Pat Swilling. I saw his Lions score a touchdown late in a game to draw within four points of an opponent, then elect to go for two. I watched them win a coin toss in overtime and take the wind instead of the ball.

Even with this half-century-long chinese dragon of mediocity, his infamous 2008 Detroit Lions dropped the bar low enough to hit magma. They surrendered more points than any in NFL history. In fact you can't even point to any game and say that the outcome could have gone either way. If ever an 0-16 record is an accurate reflection of how a team played, it's this one.

It takes quite an individual to do what Ford has done to the Lions. They've had two Super Bowl coaches. One died of a heart attack in his yard after one season. The other quit in the middle of the season--with a winning record. They've had three "franchise" players, all Heisman Trophy running backs from Oklahoma. The first two (Steve Owens and Billy Sims) blew out their knees four years after being drafted. The third, quite possibly the greatest back in NFL history, lost his desire to play after nine seasons.

And now their lone tradition--the Thanksgiving Day game--has been so one-sided of late that they're in danger of losing that too. Only leadership as profoundly clueless has that of WCF can drive a team this far into the ground. Yet eight times a season 70,000 blue-faced idiots plop their carb-filled butt cheeks into $100 seats and boo for three hours. Some have done this since the team played at Tiger Stadium. That'll show the owner!

And all the while, they've worn those stripes like silver banners. In the Olympics, it's the symbol of not winning gold. In this town, it's the symbol of not winning period.