The perks of forced retirement

How does a 6-6 football team get into a New Year's Day bowl? Disguise themselves as band members? Drop the name Salahi at the players' entrance?

Nope. All they need to do is have a coaching legend retire.

Florida State's Bobby Bowden (center, back row) announced Thanksgiving weekend that he will step down following the Seminoles' upcoming bowl game. To be technically accurate, the University "retired" Bowden, relieving him of his duties the way a family takes the electric knife and relieves grandpa of turkey detail. Just days earlier, the 80-year-old walking definition of Florida State football mentioned that he'd like the swan song of a final season to walk along the sidelines at Doak Campbell Stadium. Next thing you knew, the legendary coach was at his press conference, calling it quits with all the free will of an American hostage in Iran.

One more season? Hmm. Let's see...

o You've coached the Seminoles for 34 seasons, amassing a record of 315-97-4 while in Talahassee. That's a winning percentage of 75.9%. In other words, since you took over in 1976 your 'Noles have won three-quarters of their games.

o Your 388 career wins are second all-time in college football history to Joe Paterno's 393.

o You led the Noles to two NCAA national championships, in 1993 and 1999.

o You're already in the College Football Hall Of Fame.

o Since joining the Atlantic Coast Conference in 1991 you've won 12 of a possible 19 conference championships, including nine straight from 1992-2000.

Ummmm sorry, coach. Unrealistic request. But cheer up, dad gummit! You're still one of The Anointed Few... so a handsome retirement gift is right around the corner.

Remember how we took care of Tom Osborne? Forget the gold watch--he was given a share of the 1997 national championship. And while a few na'er-do-wells didn't appreciate such generosity (namely the Michigan Wolverines, who became the first unanimous #1 team ever to win their bowl game and drop in the rankings), most thought it was a fair and fitting present (in particular the two coaches who had to drop 12-0 Michigan to third behind your one-loss Seminoles to make it all happen).


You're in the same beloved fraternity as Osborne, Bobby. How else do you explain that Coupe De Ville of a 1993 national championship you received? Remember that? Florida State and Notre Dame each had a single loss, and you guys lost to them head-to-head that November. Yet you miraculously leapfrogged the Irish and unbeaten West Virginia for the chance to play for the national title.

So stop sniveling, geez. And no you're not being treated like a Big Ten coach, you're in good hands.

Being that you finished the 2009 season at 6-6, We just can't pull the strings and get you into a BCS bowl. The guys would really bust our balls on that one. Not that we wouldn't swap Florida State for Boise State in a heartbeat--trust me, you'd be unbeaten too if you played in that conference. It's just, you push it and pretty soon people start getting those crazy playoff ideas in their heads. Then you might as well kiss the whole old boys club goodbye!

Sewwwww... how bout this. New Year's Day. Sunny Florida. And a date in the Gator Bowl. Heck, Jacksonville is practically a home game for you boys. We've even found an opponent as winnable as any you could find: West Virginia. Remember? The team you once coached (see pic), decades before you leapfrogged them for the national title?

Oh, and just to show there are no hard feelings, we'll hand-pick your very own officiating crew, just the way you like it. What else could an 80-year-old retiree ask for? I know. Depends.