Hooked On Lionics: Eagles 56, Lions 21

Hey kids! Especially all you young football fans out there. I know what you've been thinking. How can a team as good as your undefeated Detroit Lions lose by so many points to a team like the Philadelphia Eagles, who hadn't won a game all year? How does that make sense? How can it be?

I know how you feel, my tough little troopers. The People's Blogger feels your pain. Because your Detroit Lions are my Detroit Lions too, since long before you were born. And they've broken my heart just like yours. I'd tell you how many times but you so wouldn't believe me in a zillion years!

I cried my first Lion tears way back in 1970. Yes, before there was even ESPN. My Lions won 10 games and went to the NFC playoffs for the first time in my life. Their quarterback was Greg Landry. He wore these big black boots so he looked really slow, then when he couldn't find an open receiver he'd run and nobody would catch him. They also had a guy named Sanders who was so good he's in the Hall of Fame now. No, not Barry Sanders. Charlie Sanders. If Landry threw the ball anywhere near him, #88 would jump, leap, dive, whatever it took to come down with it.

But the most exciting player on the Lions offense was this Heisman Trophy winning tailback from Oklahoma. No, not Barry Sanders. The Heisman Trophy winning tailback from Oklahoma before him. No, not Billy Sims, the other guy--Steve Owens. You may think the Lions love drafting wide receivers. But the players they REALLY can't resist are Heisman Trophy winning tailbacks from Oklahoma. In fact, if Adrian Peterson won the Heisman instead of Troy Smith, no way would you be wearing that blue #81 jersey right now! Nuh-uh!

Anyway, back to the story. My Detroit Lions couldn't be stopped that season. They even beat the Green Bay Packers twice, by a combined score of 60-0! And although they had to travel to Dallas for the NFC playoffs, the Cowboys had never won a playoff game, ever. It was all good. So how did my Lions do? They held those Dallas Cowboys to just five points. But they didn't, couldn't score a single point themselves the whole day. Yup, my Lions lost 5-0.

I'd never heard of a football game with a final score like 5-0. As it turned out, my Lions were part of the lowest-scoring NFL playoff game ever, the first without a touchdown. And they didn't see the playoffs for another 12 years, when they became the first team to enter the post-season with a losing record in 1982. At least when the Lions fail, they don't merely fail... they make history!

See? You can even find good in the worst of times, all you have to do is look hard enough. So don't hang your replica helmet-covered heads, lads. It's time to turn that frown upside down... take those lemons and make lemon chill... find that Honolulu-blue-and-silver lining... you get the idea. There's a lesson to be learned this week too. In fact, I've already beaten you to it. No longer will you sulk in defeat. Instead, you'll grow better, stronger and most of all, wiser, after your first lesson in Lionics.

Lionics?

That's right--Lionics! Learning through Lions football. I taught myself how to multiply by seven, from counting all the touchdowns the Michigan Wolverines scored back in the early 1970s. Yes, before there were even personal computers. As you'll see by this sample quiz below, these Lions of ours can teach us way more than just simple arithmatic. I've but merely scratched the surface here, for the possibilities are indeed as endless as the pain.

So sharpen your mental pencils, boys and girls, and let the fun begin!


INTRO TO LIONICS - SAMPLE QUIZ


1. MATH--UNITS OF MEASURE

In last Sunday's loss, both quarterbacks--Philadelphia's Donovan McNabb and Detroit's John Kitna--combined for for 821 passing yards. Or roughly:

A: 1/2 mile
B: 1/4 mile
C: 3 kilometers
D: the lenghth of a standard, school-issued protractor


2. SCIENCE--GEOGRAPHY

A dejected Lions fan leaves his 50-yard-line seat at halftime and exits the stadium. If he were to travel a distance equal to the Eagles' total first-half yardage, he could:

A: enter Camden, New Jersey
B: throw himself off of the Walt Whitman Bridge
C: reach the Delaware River and wade in over his head
D: follow I-95 south, past the Wachovia Center to the Broad Street exit, then continuing north through Franklin Delano Roosevelt Park and turning right (east) on Patterson Avenue, eventually arriving at the Spectrum


3. SOCIAL STUDIES--AMERICAN HISTORY

The Lions headed into Philadelphia last Sunday with a 2-0 record. A win away from their first 3-0 start since the ________________ administration.

A: Clinton
B: Adams (Quincy)
C: Reagan
D: Carter


4. CIVICS--STATE FACTS

If the Eagles were instead named after Pennsylvania's state bird, the Lions would have been thorougly humiliated last Sunday by the Philadelphia ___________________.

A: Hummingbirds
B: Ruffed Grouses
C: Yellow-Bellied Sap Suckers
D: Pago Togafaus


5. ENGLISH--LITERARY HYPERBOLE

The Lions' next road game is October 7 in Washington, where they have not beaten the Redskins in 21 tries. The day Detroit wins in Washington will be the day

A: Hilary Clinton wins in Washington
B: xbox releases Halo 46
C: rising water levels from global warming immerse Washington, forcing the team to relocate and become the NFL's first aquatic-based franchise, the Waterworld Redskins
D: I finish staining my deck
E: all of the above, with a side order of fire and brimstone

ANSWERS: 1-a; 2=c; 3=d; 4=b; 5=e.


NOTE TO PARENTS: I did what I could. I told it like it is without actually breaking their spirit, then found a cause for hope so they may leave this site the better for it.

As your self-appointed beacon of hope, I faithfully pursue the challenge of finding that faint sliver of light within the murky depths known as Detroit Lions football. Once again we were lured with the bait of a promising season. Once again we were hooked, then reeled in and ultimately cut loose: anguished, left to flop about in our Ford Field seats like so many steelhead on the floor of a fishing boat.

Donning throwbacks in an apparent tribute to the days before color coordination, the Philadelphia Eagles seemed determined to celebrate their 75-year anniversary with an equal number of points on the scoreboard. Four minutes into the second quarter they had already hung 35 on the Jumbotron. Eventually they relented, capitulating to a conciliatory drubbing of the once unbeaten Detroiters. Powder blue with the gold 56, Powder blue with the silver 21.

In a city whose basketball and hockey teams have combined for six league championships over the past two decades, whose baseball franchise is a year removed from an American League pennant, the once storied Detroit Lions are clearly the runt of the four-sport litter. A team of silver-headed stepchildren, dragging along a string of losing seasons that reaches back into the previous millenium.

Yes, before there were even iPods.