The Incredible Lions: To Infinity, And Beyond!

As I'm typing this the Detroit Lions are playing in San Diego, it's the first quarter and the Chargers are beating them infinity to zero. Okay, it's not technically infinity. But it is nonetheless an ever-increasing number (currently 17), only limited by the scoreboard hitting all zeroes and, ultimately, the Fox network signoff.

Two weeks ago, the Minnesota Vikings scored a touchdown every time they touched the ball until midway through the fourth quarter, when by then the score was 42-14 and it didn't matter. The Philadelphia Eagles had 42 points by halftime, and ended with 56. This they've-got-to-get-tired-sometime defensive strategy isn't working, and I can't be the only one getting tired of it. Oh, look, it's 20-0 now.

So will this ever end? I ask although I know the answer. No. As long as a Ford runs the ship, we're forever iceberg-bound. Detroit Lion futility has gone on as long as I can remember, but it's not a fair assessment since I've only been watching them for 38 years. But this is today as it was, as it will always be. The Lions are, were, and will be doomed to fail.

There are ways to tell when a franchise is a sure-as-sunrise-comes-tomorrow loser. First, the owner. In this case, the fat cat of the Lion empire, Mr. William Clay Ford. He sees himself as a success because he's got a beautiful new stadium with nice, comfy seats, which he somehow sells out to more than 70,000 mind-numbed loyalists eight times a year. Hey, beautiful, Chargers just scored again and it's 27-0. Where was I again. Oh yes, WCF. He also gets all the revenue lost to the city of Pontiac from 1975-2001. He conveniently ignores the fact that he's only won one playoff game in the last half century. That his teams have only been good enough to play two home playoff games in the last half century. And with our Super Bowl approaching its 43rd anniversary, his teams have only come as close as the conference championship game once--losing ugly on that stage of course, 41-10 to Washington.

The owner is also responsible for hiring unsuccessful general managers--and keeping them as their unsuccessful general managers for years on end. Ford handed the direction of the Lions to unproven Matt Millen, who responded by delivering his boss victory in only his 13th game on the job. Millen hasn't figured out a way to lose less than ten games a season since he took the job. An employee cannot be blamed for his own incompetence, so long as his employer keeps giving him a paycheck. Yet still, Millen is such an easy target because of his ability to hire the wrong coaches. M-and-M's seven-year tenure is marked by three other Ms: Mornigwheg, Mariucci and Marinelli. Halftime update, the Lions are on the board but it's 34-7, Bolts. Another game long lost by intermission.

The coaching position. The cornerstone of a winning--or losing--tradition. As the Lions are concerned, two points tell you all you need to know. First, prior NFL head coaching experience. In my experience--38 years, in case you don't remember--there have been 11 different head coaches of the Honolulu blue and silver. Three had coached previously: Don McCafferty (1973), Bobby Ross (1997-99) and Mariucci. The second point is NFL head coaching experience after leaving the Lions. Of those 11 head coaches, zero have moved on to coach another pro team. Touchdown, SD! 41-7 now. In fact, since Joe Schmidt retired 35 years ago only one coach has left Detroit winning more games than he lost, and that was because he only coached seven games (Gary Moeller's career coaching record was 4-3).

In short, Millen, or Ford, or the Lions (however you wish to see it) haven't considered experience a priority in their coach, which has resulted in a string of coaches who can't seem to land a job anywhere else afterward. (Except for McCafferty, who died raking leaves in his yard after one season on the Lions sideline.) If that doesn't help define a losing franchise, we can find something else. How bout this. We're in the fourth quarter and the score in San Diego is 51-14. Can you guess who has the 14?